So, first off, lets start with the title of this journal. It's my tagline and in my signature, not that I expect anyone to have noticed that. But it's true. Depression Hurts. As you may have guessed, I have depression, and it is probably a huge surprise to the people (if anyone ever reads my journals) reading this. But I'll explain why it's such a surprise in a minute. Well it's not so surprising for the people who I have told. But wait wait wait! Because all you've been told is I have depression. There's sooo much more in store for you.

Let me tell you a little (okay maybe a lot) about depression. There are three types of it, Mild, Moderate, and Severe. Mild, is more good days than bad. Nothing too serious. Moderate, is more bad days than good. You don't have a lot of motivation. Severe however, you don't have any motivation at all, you don't get up in the morning, and are probably suicidal because you have no motivation to live. With moderate, it's also not surprising if you're suicidal as well. And yep, you guessed it (no, really I have no idea what people are guessing) I have moderate. I've had depression before, but it was more on the mild end of things.

More on depression! Yay! So basically what makes you happy is this chemical in your brain called serotonin. When you're depressed, it's mostly because you have low serotonin. What causes this? Sometimes it's circumstantial, i.e. your best friend moving away. Sometimes, it's hereditary, so your family genetically has a history of low serotonin. For me? It's both. My family has had a history of being depressed, but they all got through it. Mine just came back because Kora left.

Now I'm not blaming her for it or anything, but my best friend is gone. And yes, there are so many silver linings about how we'll go to college together, and because of globalization we stay in touch pretty well. But it's the most painful thing I've ever had to go through. Am going through.

Okay, for all of you who have made it this far, here's an intermission. Walk around. Drink a glass of water. Stretch. Okay, ready? Good.

Now to elaborate on what I started talking about at the beginning, about this being a surprise to everyone. I keep up a constant facade of cheerful hyper-happiness. This makes everyone believe that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me or with my life. But on the inside? I'm hurting. (Hence my new tagline and addition to my signature.) I just want to curl up and die because I feel like my insides have been torn out, put in a blender, then shoved back in. Peachy, huh? So I don't think anyone really understands what I'm going through except Kora, but she's not the type to get depressed. She's strong like that. And though I'm also strong in many ways, I don't have what I need to help myself.

Hence Counseling. I mean really, I just had two years of (needless) therapy over the stupid divorce. But I suppose I should be glad Mum finally realized I was depressed and actually thought to do something about it. So now I have roller blades. Evidently excercize helps trigger that Serotonin and I can roller blade pretty well if I do say so myself. (It's a little different from roller skating because the wheels are all in a row on the bottom of your foot. It's more difficult, but you go faster and I think it's fun)

So anyway, I'm being monitored for the next few weeks, and I'll be doing roller blading as well as going from library to library trying to start either a manga or a book club for teen girls. It's something I've always wanted to do, and Linda (my new therapist) said she wanted me to make new friends. I kind of ditched the other ones for Kora...heh..heh....ANYWAY that's my treatment plan. If that doesn't work, THEN we shall go to the magical pills that trigger serotonin. Because it's not recommended to take lots of pills when you're not an adult.

Congratulations on making it this far!! You get a cookie! So I'll do another entry at some point about art ('cause that's why we're all on this site!)and what I'm doing at the moment.